[geeks] Cats and pills

[Fogg, James]

With so many cat owners here, this might be relevant.

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HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL
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  1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if
  holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either
  side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while
  holding pill in right hand.  As cat opens mouth pop pill into
  mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
  
  2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat
  in left arm and repeat process.
  
  3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
  
  4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding
  rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill
  to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a
  count of ten.
  
  5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.
  Call spouse from garden.
  
  6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold
  front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse
  to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into
  mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
  
  7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil
  wrap.  Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully
  sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one
  side for gluing later.
  
  8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head
  just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking
  straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
  
  9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1
  beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and
  remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
  
  10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open
  another beer.  Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to
  leave head showing.  Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick
  pill down throat with elastic band.
  
  11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on
  hinges.  Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink.
  Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last
  tetanus jab. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss
  back another shot. Throw Tee-shirt away and fetch new one from
  bedroom.
  
  12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve the friggin' cat from tree
  across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence
  while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
  
  13) Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden
  twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table, find heavy
  duty pruning gloves from shed.  Push pill into mouth followed by
  large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 2
  pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
  
  14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the
  emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches finger and
  forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture
  shop on way home to order new table.
  
  15) Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and ring
  local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
  
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  HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL
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  1) Wrap it in bacon.