[geeks] just for you guys....

[Amy]

On Sun, 14 Apr 2002 s at avoidant.org wrote:

> Amy wrote:
>
> > > OK. Will you discuss why you won't discuss it?
> > certainly. what would you like to know?
> Why it's dangerous to your blood pressure to continue the discussion we
> were having. I seem to have the same effect on most of the women I
> "discuss" things with on mailing lists. They get extremely irritated and
> end the discussion.

i can't speak for the other women that have similar reactions--the
answers would probably vary widely.. however, i can answer your first
question easily.

when the mind gets stressed/irritated/angry (primarily it's stress), the body
releases androgens from your adrenal glands. in my case, i'm trying to avoid
such a thing happening at all costs--i have too much being released to begin
with and no progestin to countereffect what happens when they are released,
which in this case means my temper shorts out and i start getting agressive
(e.g. losing my temper in a bad way, becoming a living mood swing).

to give you an idea of what happens when the androgens are kept in check by
progestins, i become very docile, very happy, and very easy to be around.
in effect i become what i'm supposed to be emotionally if all of my hormones
were "normal". an optimist. i don't worry so much about every little thing and
i don't provoke. i'm, for lack of a better word, peaceful. it's very nice,
very lovely. i miss it right now, in fact.

if i don't get the progestins, i'm a roaring, raging pain in the ass
to deal with emotionally. it's a bit like having a remote control and
switching channels every two minutes...you never know just what's
gonna pop up on the t.v.--it's not a fun thing to live around or with.

when androgens are released it spurs a rise in testosterone levels in both
men and women--it's why men get into fistfights and why women get moody as
all hell. basically the men get worse and the women get more man-like
(hence, 'androgenic'). that's very simplistic, but it'll give ya a general
idea.

i know for the most part that i have jumped on things here in the past,
been violent, aggressive. seeing just what happened over the course of 6
days when i was back to normal leads me to believe that i guess my body
tricked my mind somewhere into being a bitch for 27.8 years. i apologise
to everyone for that, and it really was eye-opening when it stopped for a
time. i'm just biding my time until the first of may when i can go back to
being normal.

as for the blood pressure part, women with what i've been diagnosed with
generally have problems with blood pressure spikes. heart disease is
prevalent, as well as heart attacks, and just about every feminine cancer
you can shake a stick at. i'm on a fairly high-powered anti-hypertension
drug currently to help stave it off and benefit from the drug's other
side-effects (although up to this point my blood pressure was pretty damn low
to begin with for a woman of my size and sheer muscle mass. i may be a
fatass at times but i'm a healthy, strong fatass than can list 21"
monitors with no problems.)

> I was wondering what you were feeling that drove you to that point and
> what I did to get you there.

oh, a few things. first, i have a hard time of explaining myself and my
ideas succinctly enough 25 days a month that there's little confusion as to
what i'm talking about. so when i fail to get my ideas across, i get irritated
primarily at myself and to some degree irritated with others because they
just don't seem to grasp what i'm trying to say. irritation for me leads
straight to blowing my top. secondly, a kind word or compliment will manage a
woman far better than a harsh one. my ex was the kind of guy who pulled zero
punches (like you) and in his harshness, it led to a great deal of
arguments. what he identified as being direct was 'translated' into being
unkind, harsh, and sometimes downright rude and tactless. a good analogy
is that it's easier to attract bees with honey as opposed to vinegar. always
remember this, cause it really works wonders when applied.

> Knowing why these things happen would help immeasurably in my endless
> quest for self-improvement, and could save my marriage.

mmmhrmm....unexpected... pardon me while i babble.

it took a divorce for my ex to ask me what he could do and actually listen
to what i said without it turning into a fistfight/two hour
blazing argument--despite the fact that he was an abusive s.o.b. i am friends
with him. you're already ahead of the game. first, tone it down. not so harsh,
not so direct. some is refreshing but past that point a woman gets confused
and thinks you're openly attacking her verbally. that's the point when she
either starts arguing back heatedly (aka emotionally) or throws a box of salt
at you. :) second, the patience to sit and think things through and ask
questions so you know exactly how she  _feels_ and thinks.

feelings are a big, big part of it. men say what they think. women say what
they feel. i'll tell you now that the first two years i was with bill
wasn't easy. i had to adjust to being with someone who was infinitely kind
and patient, learn that i didnt have to expect a confrontation every ten
minutes from a guy who was direct and uncompromising, even when it came
to the cap on the toothpaste tube. it takes time to undo the sort of damage a
few years of bad marriage can inflict on both parties. but, the results are
usually gratifying.

go take your wife out to dinner tonight (or cook for her), get her alone
and away from distractions, and ask her how she feels and what she thinks
about your marriage and you and listen to her until she's through. then tell
her nicely what you feel as well. it'll help, trust me. maybe if i had known
that things could've been fixed in my marriage just by being able to talk,
i might not be where i am now. (not that i'm unhappy, mind. it's just one of
those ohwelldidntworkasmates things)

good luck and if ya have any other questions, just ask.

--a
men come from mars, women come from hell.