[geeks] quiet

[Amy]

On Wed, 5 Jun 2002, Gary Nichols wrote:
> *pushes glasses up off my nose*
> Have a seat Amy.  Now, tell us more about this depressed stuff.
> *scribbling on notepad*

Well, since you're recording for posterity's sake...

I can't nail it down. It's a sometimes overwhelming combination of several
things which have been bothering me for weeks now. I'll list the top 4 or
5.  Please excuse the rambling and whining...I'm fairly drained right now
mentally.

1. I'm getting tired of computers. I wasn't raised with them like most of
you guys were..they weren't allowed. My mom considered computers and
nintendo and the like to be bad--not to mention they were too expensive at
the time. Until 1996 or so I had a viable life away from a monitor. I
went out, I saw people, I interacted with folks on a much more human level
than ASCII. I didn't sit in front of a monitor for 18 hours a day. Instead
I went out, explored, and did so happy-go-luckily. Now it seems wherever I
turn there's something electronic thats leashing me to here or there, be
it the friends I have online who won't let me go eat dinner without
guilting me later or cellphones and pagers interrupting the quiet times at
home. It's not that I dislike or hate computers/collecting...I've just
become disenchanted with the people I've found inhabiting them. I can
count with pretty much one hand the amount of people I have any sort of
faith left in--something which I value above all other things. They're
all thousands of miles away, too.

2. For the past two months I've been changing, mentally and physically.
I've dropped 30lbs in May alone and it's starting to show (or at least
according to Bill it is, noone else sees me). After being ordered to
intentionally break my diet for awhile, I now find that I cannot eat
anything but pickles and diet coke without feeling ill for hours
afterwards. This has been going on for two weeks and it's getting to me.
I'm one to enjoy food, you see.

3. I've been trying to simplify things in my life..from thoughts to
actions to material things. It's left me with a strange wish to just get
in my car and disappear off the face of the planet for awhile. Obviously I
can't do this--it's just not feasible. What worries me is that I'm not one
to actively tell the world to go fsck itself and avoid it all for a time.
It's just unusual and worrisome. It only happens when I'm fed up to the
hilt with chaotic things that are going on and I can't find the source.

4. In the past 60 days I've figured out that I've screwed away ten years,
countless friends, family..all for the sake of a simple chemical
imbalance. Now I wonder how much damage did I do and how much is
repairable, if any? It left me thinking this about my current friends, my
husband, my family. How does one apologize for being a Jeykll and Hyde
bitch for a decade? 20-20 hindsight is getting to me. I don't know anymore
how to approach people who knew me (online or otherwise) before all this
occured. Imagine starting at square one again with everyone--including
yourself. It's not easy and very confusing. I don't know who i should
talk to, if I should talk to them, if I'm bothering them or not. And to
top it all off, I literally don't know who I am anymore.

5. I'm really tired of pickles and diet coke.


Well, that's my emotional dead letter for the office. As always,
comments are welcome.

--a