[geeks] falling in love with my wife, v2.0

[Bill Bradford]

Warning: long sappy story ahead.  Ignore if you're more concerned about NFS
packets or OpenGL acceleration.

Over the past week, I've fallen in love with my wife, for the second time.

I met Amy in February of 1998.  We met on an IRC channel, and were also both
members of a mailing list I ran at the time (SWGoths; a group that I am no 
longer associated with).  Anyway, we ran into each other on IRC.  I was a
server operator at the time, and almost /killed (disconnected) her because
I thought her nickname (TurtleX) was a bot (automation).

Luckily for me, I hesitated.  She handed me a cookie.  Things went downhill
from there. 8-)  (just kidding)

We've been together since 1998.  For all of that time, we've basically been
married in each other's eyes, but we only officially did all the paperwork
and exchanged rings, etc, just a bit over a year ago (March 31st, 2001, in
Chattanooga, TN).  Only difference really is that we have rings now and if
we ever get divorced, she gets half my shit. 8-)

Anyway.. For the past couple of years, behind the scenes, things aint been
going so well in Bradfordland.  We went from starcrossed lovers fucking like
wild monkeys, to basically being roommates that happened to sleep in the same
bed.  People talk about the spark going out - well, this one was hit by a full
load of halon.  We fought.  (about everything.. money, cars, stuf she 
wanted, stuff I wanted... everything).  Nothing ever seemed to help.  We
were both cranky.  As I said, basically we just shared a house.

In February 2001, things started to get better.  I was diagnosed in late 
November 2000 with obstructive sleep apnea (OSA), which explained my LOUD
(not just loud, but LOUD - the sleep study tech called it "Extreme", and 
they see people snoring for a living) snoring, so bad that Amy had started
to sleep in a separate room.  It also explained my constant being exhausted -
I would sleep 12 hours, but then get up and fall asleep in the shower, or
while typing.  Nothing more embarrasing than the head of your department at
work waking you up because your head is on your keyboard and its beeping and
everyone around you is looking into your cube... 

Anyway.. I was diagnosed with sleep apnea.  They called it "severe".  Normal
diagnosis..  Sleep apnea is when you have 4 to 7 "events" (obstruction of
breath, stopping of breath, etc) an hour.  Insurance kicks in and pays for 
treatment at 47 events/hour.  They "clocked" me at 112/hour.  I was getting
NO (none at all) REM sleep, and got down to 87% oxygen blood saturation (where
normal is 98% or so).  This had been going on as long as I could remember, but
started getting extreme (the exhaustion) around 1998.

In February 2001, they finally got the insurance bit sorted out, and put me
on a CPAP (constant positive air pressure) mask.  This is basically a mask
that I wear over my nose (or with two "nozzles" inserted directly into my
nostrils, making a seal) that blows pressurized air (12cm) into my airway
while I sleep at night, keeping it open and letting me breathe normally.  Not
only does this stop my snoring, but it lets me get full deep REM sleep, and
get rest "like a normal person".  The first night i was on it, Amy came in
to check on me three or four times, fearing that I was dead because she 
didnt hear ANYTHING - no snoring, etc, at all.  Thats how different it was. 
I slept four hours that first night, and got up feeling like I was on crack
and had drank a pot of espresso.  Everything was bright and shiny again.  I 
had energy.  I could live life again.

I've been on CPAP since then.  Minor annoyance at times, but we've gotten used
to it, and its worth it.  I dont care if I look like darth vader at night - 
i can sleep, and that makes it worth it.  The reason I mention it is an example
of how something very relatively simple can make a HUGE change in someone's
life.. Modern medical technology is a great thing.  We'll both tell you that -
read on for the other side of the story.

On to Amy.  Things were fine after we met.. for a while.. Then, she started
to get cranky.  Irritiable.  Downright bitchy and mean occasionally.  we'd
have bad fights - but nothing that would make either one of us leave; we're
both too stubborn for that.  We'd be screaming at each other, then ten minutes
later, "hey, lets go for ice cream... " "okay!"  However, despite the good
times, we had just as many bad times.. caused by a lot of things, from my
bad habit of spending too much time on the computer, to being cranky in the
mornings, to her being self-centered and bossy and demanding.  We got 
married a year ago, after I got on the CPAP, but that didnt solve things -
we still fought, but not as often.. discontent was still present.  We got
married because we both love each other - we both knew SOMETHING was wrong, but
didnt know what it was or how to go about fixing it.  We both beleived that 
whatever it was, we could find it and fix it.

The discontent wasnt restricted to here at home - it flowed out onto the
mailing lists (or whatever/whoever was the nearest target) as well.  You've 
seen it - one minute Amy would be fine, and the next minute she'd be mean, 
viciously ripping someone to shreds over a tiny insignificant detail.  I 
chalked it up to "amy just being amy", she would be like "hey, I'm honest, 
fucking deal with it, I'm not going to change."

Two months ago, however, things started to explain themselves.  Amy went
to a doctor for strep throat.  The nurse who saw her took a look at her
and asked if Amy had ever heard of or been diagnosed with PCOS (Polycystic
Ovarian Syndrome).  She said no, she'd never heard of it, and never been
looked at for it.  An appointment was made with a local endocrinologist
to have some exams and tests done.

(in short, they sucked, so she went to a different doctor..)

On May 5th, the second set of test results came back from the labs.  More
or less, they ruled out everything severe, and confirmed what the adult 
nurse had suspected from ten seconds of looking at her and one line on a
medical chart - Amy had PCOS.  

PCOS is more or less an endocrine disorder.  She doesent get enough estrogen
(female hormones) in her system.  Therefore, the testosterone that *is* in
her system (yes, women have it too, just not as much as men) dominated her
personality.  Instead of being nice and sweet and feminine, she was a raging
pissed-off bitch.  Without the estrogen to "balance" things out, she was 
basically having permanent eternal PMS.  This went on for *decades* before a
kind nurse saw something and made a suggestion.  That kind suggestion ended up
changing her life - and mine too - for the better.

The endocrinologist put her on a standard normal cycle of birth control pills,
which has balanced out and returned her hormone levels to "normal".  

Within 48 hours of her getting on these pills, it was amazing.  She was 
COMPLETELY different.  I even asked her once, "Okay, who are you, and what
have you done with my wife?"  She was SO nice, SO different from before, that
I got *paranoid*.  I was convinced that she was just being nice to me for some
other reaosn, that she wanted something or was hiding something.  Good to say,I was totally wrong. 8-)  The Amy that I remembered, that I had originally
fallen in love with four years ago, was back.  She's nice.  She's kind.  She
greets me at the door after work with a hug and a Coke with ice.   Heck, she
doesent even yell at the pets anymore!  She says that now its *hard* to get
mad - when before, something even minorly out of whack would cause her to
completely fly off the handle without reason and be a raging bitch.  From 
talking about things, apparently when we first fell in love, the endorphins
served the same function as estrogen - and "masked off" the anger and 
temper she had.. so when we "settled down", that went away, and she was no
longer "balanced"....  Mentally, figuratively, physically, everything.

Over the past couple of weeks, I've fallen in love with my wife all over
again.  Its like a different world - she's less grouchy; in return I'm less
grouchy.  We get along better.  We TALK A HELL OF A LOT MORE.  LOTS more.  
We laugh.  We cuddle (yeah, like you wanted to know that).  We go driving 
around just to explore.  I teach her about cars (soon to be stick-shift 
driving lessons) and old 1970s computers.  She teaches me about her favorite 
music.

Its an entirely new world.  Its amazing.  THE SUN IS SHINING AGAIN.  I've
fallen back in love with my wife.  She's fallen back in love with me.  Things
couldnt be much better at this point, I think.

I know in the past that Amy's temper has caused some "dissention in the
ranks" here on the geeks list (and rescue too, for that matter).  People
have unsubscribed, or been forcibly unsubscribed, because of her pure anger 
on what should be minor debates or fun discussions.  I dont blame them - keep 
in mind that I had to LIVE with it from day to day, and not just in email.  
I had stuff thrown at me (fortunately, her aim sucks!) 8-)  (had to replace a 
couple of remote controls, though..)

I know these are "my" lists.  I know that I can do whatever I want with them.
However, you guys (and gals) are a community.  I value this community, because
I dont have many friends - you people are my friends and family.  I value your
opinions and thoughts.

I've come to ask.  Would anyone mind if Amy comes back on the geeks and/or
rescue mailing lists?  I miss her commentary, and female point of view on
a lot of the things we talk about.  I talk to her every day - but enjoyed
her being on the lists as well.  I promise you that her blinding furious
anger is GONE now - she's a completely different person (and will freely
admit this to anyone who asks).

I'm asking as another list member, not as the guy who runs everything.  
I dont consider myself a dictator, or anything like that - I just happen to 
be the person whose machine everything is hosted from.

So, what do you say?  Thoughts, comments, anything, appreciated.  Please
feel free to let me know, either here, or private email.

Thanks for listening to my huge long 160-line rant.  Other than Amy, you
people are some of my only friends.  

Bill

(footnotes: http://www.apneanet.org and http://www.pcos.net, for more 
 information on our conditions..)

-- 
Bill Bradford     
mrbill at mrbill.net 
Austin, TX