[geeks] Re: Breeding, etc.

[Robert J. Slover]

Greetings,

I stayed out of the cat discussion even though I think they're a waste of
space in general.  I was going to stay out of this one too but Chris's
analyses of what is wrong with kids/parents, example of his mother, and 
subsequent realization that he cares so much anyway prompted me to write.

I think a lot about this.  A good parent should, IMHO.  I so far have only
one child, but we plan to have one more, next spring.  My daughter is very
well behaved and we have no end of complements from complete strangers to 
that effect.  I believe most of this comes from the simple fact that she
knows *exactly* what is expected of her.  She knows she will be corrected
regardless of the company present or the embarrassment involved.  This is
particularly important with her since she is extremely bright and just as
stubborn as her dad.  She was the only grandchild on either side of the
family until last year, and this made it extremely difficult early on
since she quickly figured out that her maternal aunts and grandparents
would easily give in to pleading after something she had already been told
'no' about by her parents.  I've had to 'veto' my in-laws in a restaurant
twice, and carry the subsequent tantrum-throwing child to the car twice.
The first of these times we did not return for 45 minutes.  I held her in
my arms, refusing to let her kick or hit me, until the screaming stopped
and we could 'discuss' her behaviour (I told you she is stubborn).  The
second time took a trip to the car but maybe 5 minutes.  After each of
these trips we returned to the restaurant where she delivered an apology
to our dinner companions and folks in adjacent booths.  I think the last
part of that is important...admitting your behaviour was wrong is a
rather humbling experience.  She was 3 at the time, and we have had no
trouble like this since...she's 5 1/2 now.  She knows there are certain
absolutes that apply to her behaviour, and that it does not factor in the
least that her friends may get to cross those lines.  She knows that if
one parent says no, you do not ask the other parent or a relative, period.
She knows better than to argue...when told no, or told to do something,
she is allowed to state her case exactly once.  The answer after that is
final.  She knows that you do not lie, or do something behind our backs.
Each of those things is an automatic spanking, though I have to do that
only very rarely, and never severely.  She's recently began to have some
measure of pride in hearing the complements on her manners and behaviour,
and an associated conscience, which makes things easier.

Overall, discipline has not been that difficult, nor a large portion of
the experience of parenting.  Most of it has been just plain fun.  I have
to give up a lot of 'my' time, but that does not matter.  She's great.
She woke up while I was writing this, came in and sat in my lap, briefly
discussed her dreams from last night, then left for the family room with
the promise that I'd fix her breakfast in a few minutes.  After breakfast,
she came bouncing in with a poem she wrote for me 'State Ferry' (she's
starting to get the knack of puns) with a cleverly drawn steamboat with a
big daisy on the side.  After I finish this, I'll put my boots on to go
out for some yard work and she'll go with me.  I'm finishing off moving a
big pile of dirt, and she matches me wheelbarrow load by wheelbarrow load
with her toy wheelbarrow and toy shovel.  It is a little cumbersome to
be restricted to turning only one direction while digging, to watch to
make sure the back of my hand clears her head, and to stop every 5 minutes
to loosen some of the pile for her, but it is well worth it.  I don't know
whether this kind of thing qualifies as 'quality time' or not, and I don't
care.  Mostly she just needs time, and to feel like she's part of whatever
is going on.  Tonight we'll continue reading the Chronicles of Narnia
together.  I personally believe that this kind of 'togetherness' is the
thing that builds the bonds and respect you'll need to exercise later on.
We do the usual family 'together' stuff too (soccer game today at 2:30)
but I think those matter much less.  Certainly I had absolutely none of
that growing up.  What matters is knowing what is expected of you, knowing
you can achieve it, and knowing you are respected and loved.

So, summarizing that, I'd agree with Chris's analyses that a lack of
any feeling of personal responsibility is the root of most bad parenting
and of 'bad kids'.  Irresponsible parents certainly don't instill personal
reponsibility in their kids.  Chris, count yourself lucky that you did at
least feel responsible enough to take care of your younger brother.  You
are a better man for it, I'm sure.  The detachment/lack of remorse you
feel about some bad situations isn't necessarily a sign that you're a cold
fish.  I'm not an analyst, but I've been through the same sort of
soul-searching myself, and I've helped a few friends through too
(dangerous ground, that).  There are a lot of us that had a pretty
miserable time growing up.  This detachment seems common, and useful, it
lets you put something uncomfortable in a box to deal with later, if at
all.  It is dangerous though if you lose your temper and find yourself,
detached, watching yourself out of control.  I went through that a couple
of times as a teenager, even blinding my younger brother once for a short
while by hitting him so hard.  Afterwards, that scared the hell out of me
and I learned to control it.  If you occasionally find yourself like that,
and don't have absolute control of it, I'd say don't become a parent and
think really hard before getting married.  Anyway, having some experience
with this I eventually came to one conclusion...personal responsibility.
It does not matter what your parents were like.  It does not matter if
someone you knew molested you, or beat you within an inch of your life.
Your own demeanor, ethics, morals, attitude, and day-to-day happiness are
your own personal responsibility.  You can be a good parent, just don't
give in to the easy excuse that you had no good example.  Find one.  Be
one.  If you can't commit to being one yourself, join something like Big
Brother/Big Sister and help some kid in a situation like your own figure
it out.

Lastly, Chris, don't beat yourself up too much about the earlier post
about your childhood.  Sometimes it is necessary to open up, and it is
usually easier to do it through this kind of a medium than in front of
a person facing you.  The other method, of course, is poetry (but you've
already tried that) ;-) which lets you express what you feel without
saying it directly to someone (if you're really clever, you can do things 
like hide meaningful clues as acrostics, etc...I even had one poem
published like that, nobody knew what it *really* meant).  Anyway, getting
those frustrations out there is cathartic.  When you've wasted your venom
you can generally forgive and get on with things.  I spent a while in
early college where I complained about my Dad, and I feel a bit ashamed
about it now but at the time talking about it was probably all that kept
me together...there were worse things, too, that I didn't tell.  Dad was a
good guy overall and he's straightened himself out now, but he was an
alcoholic when I was young and we all suffered for it.  He was just
beginning to straighten himself out when I started college, and I'd been
through the worst of it just a year or so before as things came to a head.
It was fresh and painful.  I've a feeling that since you only recently
found out certain things about your own Dad that old wounds are re-opened
and things are still fresh.  Whatever.  You can figure it out yourself,
I'm sure, but self-pity won't help much.  I do hope your mother recovers
from her cancer, and wish her, and you, all the best.    

As for the rest of you, if you can do a better job of parenting than most
of those you see around you, then by all means do so.  I want my daughter
to have a good selection of well-mannered, intelligent, compassionent and
responsible geek guys to choose from when she reaches that age.  Fact is,
unfortunately, the worst seem to 'breed' freely, and Darwin must have been
wrong when it comes to humans.  I don't, however, see this as any
different than it has been in previous generations.  Read 'The Life and
Adventures of John Muir', certain poems by Robert Frost or short stories
by Dorothy Parker, etc. Bad parents have been around forever.  Most good
parents have their weak points.  To me, being a good parent is the biggest
and most rewarding challenge of my life.  And it beats the hell out of
owning cats.


--Robert